Dear Joel & Johan,

I remember when I was in kindergarten, kids whose birthdays were on that month had to go up onto the stage and sing. One by one, we had to sing what we each wanted to become when we grew up. My best friend, Yoonji, who went first, sang she wanted to be a princess. My turn came next. Without hesitation, I sang I wanted to be a mum. I also remember how I felt after I had sung it. My face went burning hot red. I was embarrassed. Because, the rest of the girls wished the same thing like Yoonji did. Why couldn’t I have said I wanted to be a princess? I must have known a fairy tale-like marriage wasn’t going to happen to me, since I’m certainly not pretty enough like the other girls to qualify for prince charming to come propose to me.

Anyway, the point is, I knew for certain, almost all my life, I was going to become a mum. And so I did. I became a mum to you, my dearest Joel & Johan.

I wish I had spent my life learning about how to be a mum. I think I got to do a bit of that whilst I was able to spend some of my childhood in England.

I supposed things may have changed now, but back in the 90s, the schools I went to in England were extremely different from the Korean ones. No exams every week; no heavy bags to drag to school; no corporal punishment, but so much freedom! Freedom to read books that I wanted to; freedom to do maths at my own pace; freedom to play out in the green fields; freedom to play with my friends; freedom to spend more time with my family! To me it was heaven.

Sadly, I had to return back to Korea as a teenager. I was new in school, but was unfortunately neglected by just about everyone in school, because I was different. I even looked quite different. I guess it must have been all the fish and chips I had eaten for years. I did not speak or understand Korean very well at first. There I faced corporal punishment for getting the answers wrong to the questions I hadn’t even learned.

That’s when I realised, I would get angry at you, Joel & Johan, even if I didn’t give you the chance to learn what is right and wrong. From now on, we can start talking more about what kind of behaviours we think are right and wrong.

I had also felt the bond between my family members loosen up. Your grandfather was required to drink late until midnight with his colleagues, due to the Korean work culture that requires enhancing relationship with colleagues after work. Neither was I coming back home from school until 10pm at the earliest. I had to do a lot of memorisation in order to get into a good university in Seoul. However, was achieving a goal without understanding the process worth it?

But don’t worry, I will do my best to help you learn things the right way. I will do my best to help figure out your own answers and solutions to all of your curious minds. I will help you to comprehend the world so that you too will be able to explain in your own words and express your thoughts and opinions accordingly.

Being a mum is hard. Especially since I hadn’t taken any exam at all to be a mum in school or university. There have been so many times I felt like I just wanted to give up. But I know I should keep on trying. Don’t worry, we’re going to be ok. I am in fact in the active learning process of understanding and defining what a “good mum” is. Reading good books, listening to good music, meeting good people have all been helping me. I will continue to surround myself with good things and good thoughts that entail, because I know you are watching me and learning from me without any of us even knowing.

I’ve been wanting to write. Now it’s time. This blog is dedicated to you, Joel & Johan. I shall make use of this blog, fill it with full of good vibes, in order to improve myself, day by day, to be a better mum for you. After all, I am now living my dream as a mum.

Endless Love,

Mum.